The Snipes Board of Directors determined from the very beginning that our little website was going to be a place of acceptance, inclusivity, and love. Our company’s charter forbids the use of discriminatory and potentially offensive language. And we’ve attempted to have diversity in hiring, but, to this point, have been unable to find any woman willing to work with us; unfortunately, we remain a sausage party.
Of course, not every company has incorporated the same inclusive business practices; our own Jonathan Aristophanes has recently been the victim of discrimination at the hands of a local business. Jonathan has been told that he is no longer welcome at Sweet Cookies Bakery. While Jonathan is exploring his legal options in order to stand up to this blatant discrimination, we have decided, as his Snipes family, to use the power of our pen to speak up for our beloved unpaid intern and help raise awareness of this sickening, un-American bigotry that’s being allowed to take place.
Jonathan has loyally patronized the Sweet Cookies Bakery ever since the small business opened last December 4. The owner, a seemingly-sweet, age-challenged WOman, should be sensitive to discrimination. After all, she’s been targeted three times in the last four months for muggings by local street gangs. Someone who has also been the victim of stereotyping – the stereotype that seemingly-sweet, age-challenged WOmen make easy targets – should be able to recognize the incredible harm that comes from discrimination. But, no, Mrs. Holderness has banned Jonathan from her store because he is a kleptomaniac.
For those who are unaware, kleptomaniacs are productive members of our society who also happen to have the innate desire to “steal” things. Famous kleptomaniac, Dr. Chaucer Sanders, who is the world’s foremost Sea Monkey expert as well as the founder and president of Kleptomaniacs Valiantly Accosting Stereotyping and Slander, graciously stopped by our office and detailed the systematic discrimination faced by kleptomaniacs. “I have been arrested twenty-four times for shoplifting,” Dr. Sanders admitted. “It’s humiliating to be handcuffed and treated like a common criminal because I was simply acting on my God-given urge to ‘steal.’ It’s important for people to remember that I didn’t choose this; kleptomania is in my DNA.”
He continued to tell us of just a few of the many times that kleptomaniacs have suffered in this country at the hand of bigotry – tales of lost jobs, broken families, and criminal records littered his heartbreaking anecdotes. He ended the interview by providing the Snipes Team with information about KVASS’ efforts to bring awareness to the discrimination and the fight for change. At the end of this report, we’ll detail some ways in which you, too, can help. We were hoping to enlist many of our loyal readers to join KVASS in their planned rally in Spunky Puddle, OH. Unfortunately, we can’t, because this report is actually days behind schedule, and the rally was held yesterday. For some reason, after Dr. Sanders left, we were unable to locate our office laptop. And, it took Jonathan longer than expected to bring us a new one. In his words, and somewhat confusing to us, “Best Buy wasn’t busy enough when I first went in.”
After receiving some background information about the kleptomaniac lifestyle, we reached out to Mrs. Holderness. She invited us to meet her at her bakery, which turned out to be a stealth tactic designed to distract us with the freshly baked snicker doodles that Mrs. Holderness plied us with. Fighting through the fog of snicker doodle induced ecstasy, we heard a defense from the greedy old lady that was ground in materialism and putting profit over people. She claimed that her business would be unable to sustain the lost revenue if Jonathan was allowed to continue shoplifting cookies. “I didn’t want to ban him. I try to see the good in everyone, but there came a point where I just couldn’t overlook his stealing,” she practically chortled.
We pushed back and asked her why she expected kleptomaniacs to change who they are; why would God give them the desire if He wasn’t going to allow them to act on it? She responded with the usual judging and stereotyping that characterizes Christians, and said, “Well, stealing is just wrong, and I don’t have to put up with it in my place of business.”
We did our best to explain to her that having the belief is one thing, but forcing her beliefs on others was wrong. In fact, we tried to warn her that a day would come when she would be forced to treat kleptomaniacs like she treats everyone else. But she would have none of it, and continued to insist that stealing was wrong, regardless of whether or not people like Jonathan were born that way. We left her shop with the warning that we’re going to be dedicating time and resources to combating kleptophopia. If that means that she is forced to close, so be it. Our neighborhood is better off without her business if she’s going to try and force her beliefs on those whom she disagrees with.
The loyal readers of Snipes have proven time and time again that they are willing to fight for justice. We trust that you will join us and KVASS in the efforts to put an end to discrimination and help make places of businesses safe for kleptomaniacs to be who God made them to be. Here are some things that you can do to help: 1. Share this article on Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media sites that you utilize. 2. “Like” Snipes on Facebook. 3. Invite your friends to “like” Snipes on Facebook. 4. Ask small businesses their policy in regards to kleptomaniacs. Warn those small businesses that don’t have a policy of 100% tolerance towards kleptomaniacs that you will be organizing boycotts and protests. 5. Spend your money at big national chains. While not perfect, big business has proven to be ahead of small, local businesses in regards to inclusivity. Let’s continue to reward that spirit of openness. 6. Join in KVASS’ coming Kleptomaniac Awareness Day planned for November 28. It’s several months away, and that should give all of us enough time to spread the word and enlist the help of all of our families and friends. On November 28, KVASS encourages all those who support kleptomaniacs to go into small businesses and “shoplift” as many items as can be hidden under an oversized coat. This will show solidarity with our kleptomaniac friends, as well as demonstrate to small business owners that we will not allow them to place profit over people.
Thank you in advance for your help – especially with your help on #’s 1, 2, and 3. Remember, all like-minded people need to join the fight to eradicate intolerance.
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