The rumormongers are back to their underhanded shenanigans, and viscous rumors are once again flying about Penn Holderness, the lovable patriarch of America’s favorite pajama clad, singing family! Not wanting to have any part or parcel of rumormongering, we at Snipes have decided to post a refutation of this reputation damaging rumor. To that end, we are happy to state, for the record, that Penn Holderness, the huggable head of the harmonizing clan of pajama clad cadre of carolers, is NOT headed to Broadway!
Let’s be clear, Broadway is a haven for degenerates who are unable to be productive in society (if they did have the capacity for productivity, they’d be in Hollywood). In other words, a wholesome, all-American fella like Penn Holderness would only be caught dead on Broadway if he were trying to score points with his wife. He would NOT be starring in the musical version of The Scarlet Letter as the whoremonger Arthur Dimmesdale! And he most definitely would not create a frivolous musical review reminiscent of Bunyan’s depiction of Vanity Faire!
The Snipes team, led by Pulitzer Prize wanting reporter Chaucer Sanders, did some truth hunting. What we found is chilling, and gives credence to the belief that liberals, led by President Obama, are heck-bent on ruining America.
Smelling a golden opportunity to lure impressionable young conservatives into a life of wanton art making, coffee French pressing, and living at their parent’s house well into their thirties, liberals, led by President Obama, have attempted a coupe on the lovable, wholesome, and middle-American white-breadiness of Penn Holderness that so many find endearing and worth emulating. What better role model is there for young men in this once great country if not Penn Holderness? To be able to drag that role model’s name into the muck and mire of show business’ bottom of the barrel called theatre would undermine all the great role modeling those singing pajama videos have created.
Sullying Penn Holderness’ reputation is bad enough, but that’s not the evil endgame for the liberals and President Obama. Knowing how easily impressionable and manipulated Young Republicans are, the liberal masterminds, led by President Obama, are banking on the fact that young men will take off their red ties in droves, put on capri pants and scarves, and pick up copies of The Ultimate Audition Book: 222 Monologues Two Minutes and Under in hopes of following their hero into the theatre. Knowing that the die cannot be un-thrown once those easily duped young men from places like Kimbalton, Iowa plant their feet on the theatre boards for their very first audition at Kimbalton’s famed Hans Jenson Jorgensen Memorial Little Theatre. Their fate is sealed. A generation of Young Republicans will be lost to a life of Oscar parties, football bashing, and Hillary worship, or, at best, libertarianism.
The stakes are high, and we at Snipes feel the pressure to refute this harmful and potentially country-ruining rumor. Penn Holderness deserves better, and so do his naïve fans.
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