Minecraft Is Ruining America!

Sword-wielding, shirtless dudes astride a unicorn are most definitely un-American!

When we were children, the Snipes Team frequently heard that the Communists had infiltrated our cartoons, music, and He-Man toys in order to change us all to a some shade of red – a few of us only made it to pink. Thankfully, we all dropped out of college, and so our indoctrination never fully took. We at Snipes are proudly a mix of blue and white to go with whatever red may be in us. All that to say, we are preternaturally skilled in picking up on attacks against this great country of ours. And, the popular video game, Mine Craft, represents one of the most insidiously evil attacks on the youth of this country since someone thought it was a good idea to make heroes out of the spawn of interbreeding cats and humans. 

As an aid for our readers who are parents, who are going to be parents, or who are still legally allowed to babysit, the Snipes Team has broken down the five main reasons that Minecraft is turning our children away from the country of our parents. There are probably more than five reasons, of course; please, using the comment section below, let us know about the other ways that Minecraft is unpatriotic.

1. Minecraft encourages artsy behavior!

The game asks the player, using his or her imagination, to create a world that reflects their desires. Think about the artists who bring you your food at your favorite restaurant. That tattooed, multiple pierced, Obama voting service industry worker was encouraged to use his or her imagination while a child, too. Or, think about your next door neighbor’s adult son who still lives at home. What did he accomplish this year? He was cast as the male lead in the local community theatre’s production of Into the Woods. And, he, too, voted for Obama! This is where encouraging kid’s imagination leads! To liberal, artsy, slackers who vote for Obama … and bad community theatre!

2. Minecraft is anti-authority!

Our understanding gleaned from our research on Wikipedia, having never played the game, is that Minecraft is instructionless. Anarchy! It’s no secret that this country’s demise is being built on the anti-authority message first delivered by hippies in the 60s. Minecraft is encouraging our children to problem-solve and make decisions using their own mental resources. The children of America should be taking all of their cues from their authority figures; a game that eschews instructions is teaching our children that they don’t need authority figures!

3. Minecraft creates a sub-culture!

What happened the last time a sub-culture was created? Fantasy football happened, that’s what! And, fantasy football has turned a wholesome, family-friendly sport into a cesspool of angry sycophants who care more about the silly league that held a draft in their mom’s basement than they do about the actual games played on network TV, with commercials, where all good American endeavors should exist. Minecraft is creating legions of clichés and subcultures of subcultures that remove people’s focus from what’s important – the War on Christmas in America!

4. Minecraft is anti-family!

Pitting family member against family member as they vie for the game’s resources is destroying families in America! Everyone knows that the first attacks against patriotism begin in the home. Families are one of the backbones of this country (the Ten Commandments, the Constitution, and baseball being the other three backbones), and attacks on the family are attacks on America!

 

5. Minecraft promotes anti-individualism!

This country was founded on individualism! Demanding our individual rights is the bedrock of patriotism; Minecraft, by encouraging in-game collaboration, is sneakily undermining our kid’s concerns for themselves. Good, old-fashioned games, like Monopoly, that teach the principles of “every man for himself” and “pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps” are the games that we should be encouraging the youth of America to play. If they learn to rely on others, than they won’t know to be outraged when Obama says something like, “you didn’t build it yourself.”

If you love America, and if you’re reading Snipes, you do, you’ll ban Minecraft in your homes. But, don’t stop there; lobby the schools in your community to ban Minecraft, too. Please, share this article and help us educate our fellow Americans about Minecraft’s anti-patriotism!